At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping

I like being a mess. It's who I am.

Maybe I'm happy and I don't know it.

I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!

Here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting

Men are constantly trying to mentally un-dress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all.

There's no rule that says you have to wake up.

Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.

I can't believe my life. One minute it's going okay, I mean... as okay as my life can get, then the gong knocks me completely off my feet.

Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I must be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying?

You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate

There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!

You only die once!

Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones

 The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone.

Men are like gum anyway - after you chew they lose their flavor.

Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.

I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd.

Wow... I have a boyfriend

C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British.

Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'.

Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!

You live with a hetero long enough, you're going to catch it.

Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.

I cost a little more but I'm worth it.

Sorry I'm late. Oh God, that sounded insincere... I'm late!

Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you

Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord Cartier

Oh my God, it's finally happened. You've gotten so gay that you looped around to straight again

Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.

Language was only needed when unattractive people were born so they could be commented on.

I just want to say that the secret to a happy marriage is... oh, who am I kidding?

Of course I understand the gravity of the situation, otherwise, could my pants do this?

Honey, I wanted to talk to you about the wedding. I booked Saint Patrick's Cathedral. I know you're Jewish, but I couldn't find a bank or a deli on such short notice.